In America greeting people is no big deal. A quiet “sup?” with a slight head nod is more than enough in casual settings. In a formal environment you might need a handshake and a more proper “how are you?” Still, easy enough to execute even for beginners.
France, on the other hand, has one important cultural milestone that must be crossed everytime someone walks into a room: la bise. La bise, prounounced bees, known to Americans as a “the French cheek kiss thing” is an essential skill to acquire in France. Without mastery of the subtle art of the bise you will never succeed at blending into French society.
Unluckily for all of you, I have no idea how to properly bise, as I keep failing spectacularly. So, given my lack of knowledge, I have compiled a list of frequently asked questions which I ask myself as I fail at kissing the air.
Who do I bise?
Everyone? No one? It depends on the situation, but at most greetings you will bise the person you are meeting, whether they are a friend or not. Apparently, boys do it less, but to be honest I still have no idea.
Where do I kiss?
Do not, I repeat, do not make contact with the face. Kiss the air near their cheek but do not try to connect in any way. Bumping cheeks, glasses etc, may happen and will leave you in an angsty state of embarrassment for at least a week, avoid at all costs.
Which side do I start on?
Never ask this question it is a trap. Different regions of France start on different sides, or do a different number of kisses, it’s a mess. Always try to follow the lead of whoever is attempting to greet you. No matter how many times you have done la bise never assume you know anything.
Is it a hug? Do they need to get past me?
If a French person ever approaches you with an arm extended they are not trying to hug you. If the ever approach slightly to the left they are not trying to get past you. They are trying to kiss the air near your face. Do not try to hug them or lean away, accept the air kiss and reciprocate. If you do mess up and not immediately bise, look onto the next question.
How do I escape the awkward situation I have entered?
Now that you have awkwardly sat/stood with a French person near your face for too long you must plot an escape plan. Unfortuantely once you have entered this situation there is no escape. You must kiss the air and try desperately to laugh off your incompetence. Never leave the scene of a bise without completing at least two cheek kisses.
What do I do if no one tries to bise me?
Count your blessings and awkwardly stand by as everyone else in the room receives their air kisses. This is what I do at any rate.
How do I initiate a bise?
Just never try. Bam, problem solved. Only true masters of French culture know when it is appropriate to bise and how to go about the act of giving someone the bise. Approach initiating a bise with great caution.
How long does this take?
A single bise only takes a few seconds. But when a person enters a full room they must greet every person in said room with their own special air kiss. Rinse and repeat with each new person.
Can I say no?
Probably. It is your personal cheek air space, but declining seems like it could be a lot of unnecessary awkward.
Voila! These are my tips and tricks on how to be awkward when trying to greet the French. Before anyone tries to defend my honor and assume that I am better at the bise then I think; let me assure you that I am not. I am fully aware of my lack of knowledge and more than willing to make a joke about it to hide my never ending shame.
All that being said, I love the idea of the bise. It’s a neat cultural quirk that I wish I understood better. The more I witness it the more I like it. I just wish I could better grasp the subtleties on when you should bise. Only time will tell if I’ll ever actually learn anything.
Ambling Adventures 